July 9, 2009
Death Penalty Education The reason they have straps on the electric chair is to keep the guy from bouncing around all silly when the power gets turned on because then some people in the audience might laugh, which mistakenly makes the prisoner think he’s being Mr. Funny Guy when no, we’re still mad at you for all of those murders.

Death Penalty Education

The reason they have straps on the electric chair is to keep the guy from bouncing around all silly when the power gets turned on because then some people in the audience might laugh, which mistakenly makes the prisoner think he’s being Mr. Funny Guy when no, we’re still mad at you for all of those murders.

July 5, 2009
4TH OF JULY REPORT!  BEEP BEEP! Eric wanted to watch the firecrackers, but he can only see in black and white so we just opened the cooler and let him lick whatever was in there. My stepdad made him wear a bow-tie because we were having people over, which was stupid because if your plan is to not shower and then sit in the yard licking your nuts, a bow-tie just doesn’t do much to class it up. I had to stay in the basement because I lit a sparkler in my stepdad’s Lexus earlier in the day, but I really think I learned a lot.

4TH OF JULY REPORT!  BEEP BEEP!

Eric wanted to watch the firecrackers, but he can only see in black and white so we just opened the cooler and let him lick whatever was in there. My stepdad made him wear a bow-tie because we were having people over, which was stupid because if your plan is to not shower and then sit in the yard licking your nuts, a bow-tie just doesn’t do much to class it up. I had to stay in the basement because I lit a sparkler in my stepdad’s Lexus earlier in the day, but I really think I learned a lot.

My wife Diane and I went to New York City because I had all of these points on my credit card that were going to expire.  Diane wanted to go to Spain, but I don’t speak Mexican and I sure as hell don’t want a bunch of hucksters taking us for all we’re worth because of some doggone language barrier.  Diane finally agreed to New York.  On the 4th of July, we went to this quaint little NY eatery called Ruby Tuesdays. Diane wanted to order this dish which is a bunch of little cheeseburgers, but I was like, “Well fuck Diane.  Why not just get one big cheeseburger instead of letting these clowns screw you into paying for a whole bunch of bun and not enough of the good stuff.”  Diane told me to calm down and I did, but when it was time to pay, they wouldn’t take my coupons from the penny saver because the dope smoking teenager working there said that they had expired. “I started to tell him that that’s the dumbest goddamned thing I’ve ever heard of, but Diane told me to stop yelling at him. “I’m not yelling at him Diane,” I yelled. On our way out I think I heard someone snicker about my braided belt, but if you ask me, the joke is on anyone who pays for a limited amount of belt holes.  It’s just a dumb purchase!  I would’ve told him that, but Diane had already left and I was afraid she was going to have an affair.  I’m glad I’m keeping this journal because it really helps me focus on what’s important.  Also, I think Diane is falling out of love with me, which is stupid of her.  I’m going to tell her that.

My wife Diane and I went to New York City because I had all of these points on my credit card that were going to expire.  Diane wanted to go to Spain, but I don’t speak Mexican and I sure as hell don’t want a bunch of hucksters taking us for all we’re worth because of some doggone language barrier.  Diane finally agreed to New York.  On the 4th of July, we went to this quaint little NY eatery called Ruby Tuesdays.

Diane wanted to order this dish which is a bunch of little cheeseburgers, but I was like, “Well fuck Diane.  Why not just get one big cheeseburger instead of letting these clowns screw you into paying for a whole bunch of bun and not enough of the good stuff.”  Diane told me to calm down and I did, but when it was time to pay, they wouldn’t take my coupons from the penny saver because the dope smoking teenager working there said that they had expired.

“I started to tell him that that’s the dumbest goddamned thing I’ve ever heard of, but Diane told me to stop yelling at him.

“I’m not yelling at him Diane,” I yelled.

On our way out I think I heard someone snicker about my braided belt, but if you ask me, the joke is on anyone who pays for a limited amount of belt holes.  It’s just a dumb purchase!  I would’ve told him that, but Diane had already left and I was afraid she was going to have an affair.  I’m glad I’m keeping this journal because it really helps me focus on what’s important.  Also, I think Diane is falling out of love with me, which is stupid of her.  I’m going to tell her that.

July 3, 2009
When I first saw the spider crawling across my ceiling, I got pretty freaked out.  But then I remembered that the spider was probably more scared of me than I was of him - especially when I thought about how often I would masturbate in that room how weird it could sometimes get.
When I first saw the spider crawling across my ceiling, I got pretty freaked out.  But then I remembered that the spider was probably more scared of me than I was of him - especially when I thought about how often I would masturbate in that room how weird it could sometimes get.
July 1, 2009
GPOYW: My Grandma’s Boyfriend Signed Me Up to Play in the Baseball Match Edition!
GPOYW: My Grandma’s Boyfriend Signed Me Up to Play in the Baseball Match Edition!
June 30, 2009
Invention Hotline Service Rep: Uhhh…it’s for you.  It’s George Washington Carver. Invention Hotline Supervisor: You’ve got to be kidding me.  Again?  I swear to God, if this is about peanuts, I’m going to fucking lose it. Invention Hotline Service Rep: He said it’s really important.  Something about how if you stuff peanuts into a gardening glove, it puffs it out and makes it look like there is a hand in there…like for a scarecrow or something…honestly, he’s talking really fast and I can’t exactly tell what he’s trying to say. Invention Hotline Supervisor: (Sighs audibly and then massages temples) Christ, I don’t know…just tell him that I’m at lunch okay?

Invention Hotline Service Rep: Uhhh…it’s for you.  It’s George Washington Carver.

Invention Hotline Supervisor: You’ve got to be kidding me.  Again?  I swear to God, if this is about peanuts, I’m going to fucking lose it.

Invention Hotline Service Rep: He said it’s really important.  Something about how if you stuff peanuts into a gardening glove, it puffs it out and makes it look like there is a hand in there…like for a scarecrow or something…honestly, he’s talking really fast and I can’t exactly tell what he’s trying to say.

Invention Hotline Supervisor: (Sighs audibly and then massages temples) Christ, I don’t know…just tell him that I’m at lunch okay?

June 29, 2009
Skin Therapy!
Skin Therapy!
DELETED APPLEBEE’S COMMERCIAL! My wife, Diane, and I went to a fancy restaurant with our Black friends, our Asian friends, and our half-Black, half-Asian friends in wheelchairs. I said to everyone that everything on the menu looked good and then Diane said, “I was going to say the same thing!” And then I was like, “Well Jesus, Diane, if you were going to say it, then why didn’t you say it until after I said it?” Then Diane was like, “Well I was just thinking it.” And so I was like, “Well fuck Diane, that’s the goddamned dumbest thing I’ve ever heard in my life!” I was about to bring up the idea of getting divorced, but the dessert menu looked pretty good and I know that deep down, this type of socializing is healthy for a nice guy like me.

DELETED APPLEBEE’S COMMERCIAL!

My wife, Diane, and I went to a fancy restaurant with our Black friends, our Asian friends, and our half-Black, half-Asian friends in wheelchairs. I said to everyone that everything on the menu looked good and then Diane said, “I was going to say the same thing!” And then I was like, “Well Jesus, Diane, if you were going to say it, then why didn’t you say it until after I said it?” Then Diane was like, “Well I was just thinking it.” And so I was like, “Well fuck Diane, that’s the goddamned dumbest thing I’ve ever heard in my life!” I was about to bring up the idea of getting divorced, but the dessert menu looked pretty good and I know that deep down, this type of socializing is healthy for a nice guy like me.

On the surface, Last of the Mohicans seems like a really sad concept.  But for anyone who was around when there were just tons and tons of Mohicans and knows how difficult it was to find a spot to sit down and eat lunch, it was probably like, “Well thank God.”
On the surface, Last of the Mohicans seems like a really sad concept.  But for anyone who was around when there were just tons and tons of Mohicans and knows how difficult it was to find a spot to sit down and eat lunch, it was probably like, “Well thank God.”
themadeshop: ericlodwick: noahkalina: yayeveryday: Noah Kalina remix by Toko Design For the third issue of KALINA Magazine I asked a handful of my favorite artists, illustrators and designers to take one or more of my photographs and do whatever they like to them. This photograph was remixed by Toko Design.KALINA Magazine #3 (REMIX) coming….soon! Wow! So Awesome! Yeah, but I’d get a better grip.  Especially if you’re going over that water.

themadeshop:

ericlodwick:

noahkalina:

yayeveryday:

Noah Kalina remix by Toko Design


For the third issue of KALINA Magazine I asked a handful of my favorite artists, illustrators and designers to take one or more of my photographs and do whatever they like to them.
This photograph was remixed by Toko Design.

KALINA Magazine #3 (REMIX) coming….soon!

Wow! So Awesome!

Yeah, but I’d get a better grip.  Especially if you’re going over that water.