Tom Oatmeal

An Important Story

Fri, 06 Nov 2009 16:32:00 -0800

When I discovered that my graduation gift was a bible, I was furious.

“I asked for a gun, not a fucking Bible!” I screamed at my dad.

“But…”

“But nothing! Get out of here! I never want to see you again.”

My dad and I never spoke again after that. As for the bible, I just assumed it was long gone until I saw it again, years later, at my father’s funeral. It was tucked away on the shelf under my parent’s television and when I picked it up to thumb through it, a check fell out and floated to the floor. The amount? More than enough for the gun I had wanted.

Suddenly, I felt like a fool. “How many other stupid books had I forgotten to check for money?”

"My name is Gene Hackman. And I’m here to yell at you."

Tue, 03 Nov 2009 00:56:34 -0800

“My name is Gene Hackman. And I’m here to yell at you.”

- Gene Hackman

A Possible Fable

Mon, 02 Nov 2009 02:14:23 -0800

A good fable would be about a spider who goes into this guy’s apartment and the guy gets really angry and decides to spray the spider to death with bug spray, but he accidentally uses hair spray and so the spider ends up looking really sharp and then gets a job someplace that the guy was trying all week to get a job at.

The Dinner Party Gentleman Guest Guy

Mon, 02 Nov 2009 02:05:25 -0800

As silence began to dominate the mood of the dinner party, I began to wonder if maybe I should have just accepted a piece of the almond pie rather than declining on the basis that “almonds taste too much like gangrene for my liking.”

An Excerpt from my Romance Novel

Mon, 02 Nov 2009 00:14:34 -0800

With my nude, floral-painted body pressed firmly against the wall, I could only stand still and hope that it would blend seamlessly with the floral wallpaper, hiding me completely.

“She can’t divorce me if she can’t see me,” I thought.

Halloween Fun!

Fri, 30 Oct 2009 11:45:10 -0700

“Hey, you’re the only one who didn’t wear a costume,” I said to James, pointing to further single him out.

“I didn’t wear a costume either,” said the guy with the weird shirt and gigantic head.

“Oh. I meant besides you.”

And after handing the couple back the brochure they had...

Fri, 30 Oct 2009 11:08:00 -0700

And after handing the couple back the brochure they had accidentally dropped, I zipped off, hands outstretched as if flying.

“I’m sorry, we never got your name,” said the man, but when he turned around I had already vanished.

“Wow…he’s gone.”

“No, he’s not,” said the man’s wife, clearly annoyed. ”He’s over there. Rifling through that garbage can.”

The Parent Trap is a good film for children with divorced...

Wed, 28 Oct 2009 00:07:40 -0700

The Parent Trap is a good film for children with divorced parents because it reminds them that it’s going to take more than just sulking to make mom and dad love each other again.

Fate!

Fri, 23 Oct 2009 12:30:13 -0700

I wanted to tell her that if I had never tied her baby to a dog to make it look like the baby was riding the dog like a horse, we never would’ve met. But I decided to wait until after we found the dog.

This explosive Disc of DVD Action starts with this part where...

Fri, 23 Oct 2009 11:39:00 -0700

This explosive Disc of DVD Action starts with this part where the white guy is like, “I’m the Steven Seagull and I’m here to kick you.” Then the black guy is like, “I’m not a bad guy so don’t kick me. I’m a good guy. My name is BMX and I am a rapper artist.” The Steven Seagull is like, “You had better explain BMX. Because I need to unravel some mystery.” Then BMX says that he had to pretend that he was a bad guy to get the information about the criminal. Then the Steven Seagull asks BMX to help him kick people as a way to expedite the crime investigation.

Bank of America is like Lenny from Of Mice and Men; as gigantic...

Wed, 14 Oct 2009 17:15:39 -0700

Bank of America is like Lenny from Of Mice and Men; as gigantic in size as it is mentally impaired. The lethal mixture of brute strength and unawareness leads to fuck-ups so shocking and inexplicable, it would be easier on the nerves to simply have some thick-tongued mongoloid call you to explain that he ate your money because it looked like salad. Hopefully, whoever nurtured this inefficient monster will have enough sense to take it down to the river, tell it about the rabbit farm, and blow its brains out.

It’s Eric’s birthday My grandma’s boyfriend arranged for the...

Wed, 14 Oct 2009 11:26:51 -0700

It’s Eric’s birthday

My grandma’s boyfriend arranged for the people at Baskin Robbins to leave a soiled mop outside for Eric to lick. He’s fat so it will probably take about 45 minutes. That means I have to sit in a car with my grandma’s boyfriend for almost an hour. I hope he doesn’t start talking about Jesus.

Find Mitrice

Wed, 07 Oct 2009 01:36:37 -0700

Find Mitrice:

molls:

There has been a woman missing in Malibu with very strange circumstances surrounding her disappearance, but this story isn’t getting all that much attention. Please pass this story around to anyone you can, especially LA folks.

More from, “The Delusional Jackass” Maybe he was...

Tue, 06 Oct 2009 15:22:00 -0700

More from, “The Delusional Jackass”

Maybe he was just being a delusional jackass, but nothing pissed Paul off more than when those pompous assholes at McDonald’s couldn’t take their minds off of their goddamned yachts and mansions long enough to remember to put ketchup in his fucking bag.

An Excerpt From, “Ernest Joins the Force!” Most of...

Tue, 06 Oct 2009 12:40:00 -0700

An Excerpt From, “Ernest Joins the Force!”

Most of the forensics team were milling about outside the restroom, pretending to look busy. Detective Stone knew why before he even set foot inside the doorway. It was another prostitute, murdered, just like the last one. Leaning in, he could see that the blood vessels in her eyes had burst; suggesting that it had been strangulation that had ultimately killed her.

As the team began to prepare themselves for the torment of yet another long stretch of sleepless nights, a denim-clad figure in a baseball cap suddenly entered the room. Without a word, he ran up to the toilet bowl, opened the lid, and looked inside. “Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!” he said with theatrical disapproval, making sure to contort his face in the disgusted way that all of the detectives found so hilarious.

Detective Stone smiled despite the horror surrounding him. Even though he wasn’t the most constructive addition to the force, there was something about Ernest that just made things easier around there.

A common mistake that a lot of people make when watching the Die...

Mon, 05 Oct 2009 15:33:36 -0700

A common mistake that a lot of people make when watching the Die Hard DVD Action Disc is that the “real hostages” are Bruce Wilson’s children since they are emotionally trapped as an outcome of their parents’ recent separation. Those people are wrong though. The hostages are the people in the hotel who Bruce Wilson is trying to save. It’s pretty obvious because there are guys with machine guns making sure they don’t leave. Can’t say the same for the kids though.

Homework!

Fri, 25 Sep 2009 15:59:04 -0700

“Oh, and before you leave I have one more assignment,” I said to the class.

Naturally, this news was met with audible disgust from my students.

“The assignment…is to have a great weekend!” I said, smiling now as the groans quickly transformed into a wave of cheers. “Now get out of here!”

For the most part, all of my students did particularly well on that assigment and were awarded “A’s” - except for Margaret, who was given an ”F” after she told me about how her parents got divorced over the weekend.

yellowhat: ( via sweptaway: ) Barelysarcasm: Hey, Tom...

Fri, 25 Sep 2009 13:54:00 -0700

yellowhat:

( via sweptaway: )

Barelysarcasm: Hey, Tom Oatmeal! Looks like Eric got away again and is harassing people with quixotic head turns and tongue hangs… What a jerk.

yellowhat: Yeah, I saw him earlier today, too. I knew it was Eric because I smelled garbage before I saw the filthy guy.

Sorry everyone! Eric is a gigantic idiot with a ridiculous face, but my stepdad won’t get rid of him. Just look at that vacant stare! It’s the type of emotionless face a crack addict might make if you asked him what book he’s currently reading. I tried to dump Pine-Sol on Eric, but now he just smells like someone threw up on a Christmas tree. It’s my birthday tomorrow and I don’t want Eric fucking it up for me.

If they are smart, the new Indianapolis Jones DVD disc will...

Thu, 24 Sep 2009 10:42:00 -0700

If they are smart, the new Indianapolis Jones DVD disc will begin with a retired Indianapolis Jones working at a Starbucks. It will be sad because all these idiots keep bugging him like “can you add whip?” and “Hey! You forgot the whip!” Jones adds the whip cream, but he does so with trembling hands and you can tell that he would really like to whip the shit out of these people with an actual whip like he did in the old days. Then this helicopter lands and this old military guy emerges and he’s like, “We need you to unretire because we have a map with treasure.” Indianapolis Jones starts to leave and his manager is like, “Hey buddy! You can’t leave! Your shift isn’t over and these people are waiting for their whip cream drinks.” Indianapolis Jones is like, “I’ll give you some whip.” Then he grabs a bullwhip and whips the shit out of everyone in the Starbucks restaurant. He even does this thing where he whips the phone and we cut to a guy in another place dropping his cell phone and then gently touching his tongue to discover that it’s bleeding (from getting whipped through the phone!)

Halloween Scary Story!

Wed, 23 Sep 2009 13:33:31 -0700

A great scary story would be about a corpse who rises from the dead and goes around collecting his donated organs by killing their recipients. The gruesome murders alone would make it scary, but then there would also be this part where the corpse is inquiring about taking some classes to learn how to reattach his organs and he gets the bill and it’s like, “Wow! How am I going to pay for this?”