Tom Oatmeal

Discriminatory Electric Mail Message!

Tue, 24 Nov 2009 23:05:18 -0800

Discriminatory Electric Mail Message!

Date Tonight!

Sat, 21 Nov 2009 13:12:04 -0800

Date Tonight!

Frank couldn’t believe that the angry mob had the audacity to...

Sat, 21 Nov 2009 12:55:36 -0800

Frank couldn’t believe that the angry mob had the audacity to call him insensitive. Especially after he had just spent five minutes apologizing to them for accidentally killing what he estimated to be around twenty-five hundred dollars worth of people.

Fox News Hires Temp to Help Organize Tapes

Fri, 20 Nov 2009 12:34:47 -0800

After recent blunders involving recycled show footage resulted in embarrassing on-air apologies, the Human Resources department for Fox News reached out to local temp agencies this week; the first step in an effort to build a more organized system of filing.

“I think it’s clear that the way we’re currently storing tapes simply isn’t cutting it,” a representative from Fox said. “We had a meeting about it this week and decided that hiring a temp would provide us with the kind of fresh perspective we need for a project like this. Plus, we’re all really busy.”

Best known for their khaki pants and conservative, solid colored polos, most temps are viewed merely as an extra set of hands brought in to assist companies experiencing a brief wave of busy work. The tasks of temporary employees can range anywhere from stapling documents to removing staples from documents. Some companies have even hired temps to reload staplers or throw away staples that are bent.

At twelve dollars an hour, the Fox job is likely to be one of the most sought-after amongst the temporary employees.

Just ask Kevin Davis. His agency has asked him to “wait by the phone,” a sign that he is likely being considered for the job at Fox News. When we caught up with Davis, he already had some great ideas for the project.

“I think we could write the name of the event on the side of the tape,” said Davis. “And under it, we could write the date that the event occurred. That way, if someone looks at a tape, they can have a pretty good idea of what is on the tape…even if they haven’t seen the tape before.”

To hammer his point home, Davis refers to a copy of the popular film, Ghostbusters.

“Even if you haven’t seen Ghostbusters, you can look at this tape and know that it is going to be about people who capture, or bust, ghosts.”

It sounds simple enough, but not all tapes are created equal. Many are stored in hard, plastic cases and while the tape itself is well protected, the plastic can be difficult to write on with an ordinary pen.

“Well I guess in that case, we could just write the info on a label and then stick the label to the spine of the tape,” said Davis. “I don’t know. I would really need to see what kind of supplies they have.”

CRAIGSLIST ANIMAL PEOPLE LIKE ERIC CR: What?! Are you kidding...

Fri, 20 Nov 2009 09:36:34 -0800

CRAIGSLIST ANIMAL PEOPLE LIKE ERIC

CR: What?! Are you kidding me?! You are an asshole! This poor dog is lost because OF YOU! Who does this?!

Tom Oatmeal: How is this my fault? I put Eric in a cab and told the driver where to go. How do you know Eric didn’t bark over and over, in a way that was like, “Hey, let me out here driver. I want to go someplace else.” - How do you know that didn’t happen?

CR: It’s totally your fault!!! You were too lazy to take him yourself and your step dad trusted you! Yea I’m sure Eric was barking so the driver let him out, your retarded! I hope you feel guilty for the rest of your life.

A Story of Courage The creek was not like most creeks. The...

Wed, 18 Nov 2009 11:51:14 -0800

A Story of Courage

The creek was not like most creeks. The water stayed at a pretty reasonable level unless, of course, it rained. When that happened the creek could get much deeper. We had a drought one year and the creek dried up. So I guess maybe it was like most creeks. The detectives told me that if I had turned around, I probably would’ve seen the murder and that really would be helpful for them. But I guess I was just standing there, thinking about that crazy-ass creek.

GPOYW “Gee I sure am glad you kicked that Tom Oatmeal...

Wed, 18 Nov 2009 10:56:35 -0800

GPOYW

“Gee I sure am glad you kicked that Tom Oatmeal character out of this really expensive dinner restaurant!”

-Gom Totemeal

We’re Getting Close! Thanks to some emails I’ve...

Tue, 17 Nov 2009 14:08:20 -0800

We’re Getting Close!

Thanks to some emails I’ve received, I think we’re coming pretty close to tracking down Eric. Here are a few:

“You’re a degenerate piece of shit. It shouldve been you that got lost in that cab, not adorable Eric. How about my friend and I chip in and give money to take a cab to hell.”

“Tom, you are an idiot. That is so mean. I hope your stepdad reems you.”

“I could pay a cab driver and have him take you for the ride of your life. I hope you’re step father beats some sense into. I can only imagine what you look like for you to take your anger on an innocent dog. Don’t be angry that both erics adorable face and asshole are better looking than you.”

Thanks Everyone!

Eric Left.

Tue, 17 Nov 2009 12:34:04 -0800

Eric Left.

A Story About Integrity Maybe

Fri, 13 Nov 2009 12:07:00 -0800

Even though he didn’t have kids, my neighbor, Darren, was a grownup my friends and I always looked up to. Sometimes, we would sneak into his house (he always left the door open) and then we’d sit really still in the living room.

“We’re invisible!” my friend Ricky and I would say. “You can’t see us.”

“What the fuck!” Darren would scream, playing right along. “Who is there? Oh god, no!”

Then Darren would pull a handgun out (small caliber – harmless) and spin around, firing shots blindly into the surrounding drywall and furniture until the chamber was empty. Ricky and I would snicker softly into our hands, careful to stay in character.

“I guess I’m all alone,” Darren would say. “I’m always all alone.” Then, as if he didn’t know that Ricky and I could see it, Darren would begin ferociously smoking something out of a lightbulb.

The game usually ended with Ricky and I crawling out of his house silently while Darren, ever the good sport, would stand in front of his empty trophy case – the gun pointed at his reflection.

This part of the Action & Adventure Movie Disc is important...

Thu, 12 Nov 2009 23:33:06 -0800

This part of the Action & Adventure Movie Disc is important because the BMX rapper tells Steven Seagull that he has a DVD disc with corruption on it. Steven Seagull is like, “This corruption is important BMX, because it means we will win the big lawyer case.” And then Steven Seagull is smiling and BMX is like “Why are you smiling Steven Seagull?” And Steven Seagull is like, “I’m smiling about earlier when I punched that man off of the helicopter ladder and that pipe went through him.” Then BMX is like “remind me to rap about this whole experience later.”

Movie Scene

Thu, 12 Nov 2009 22:52:26 -0800

A great movie scene would be where all of the boring colonial guys are sitting around making up laws and then this one colonial guy who is new to town puts his powdered wig and spectacles on a stray dog. Then when the dog barks, the guy acts all serious like he is paying attention to the dog and he even takes notes. (Like the dog is barking about laws!) This makes everyone cheer.

Then we see the main colonial guy and his face is all red and even though he is silent we can tell he’s really like “Man, I wish I thought of that!”

Busy Guy!

Wed, 11 Nov 2009 22:42:10 -0800

Busy Guy!

New Dinosaur Found! The scientists on the yahoo.com website...

Wed, 11 Nov 2009 12:54:54 -0800

New Dinosaur Found!

The scientists on the yahoo.com website found a new dinosaur. They hope that this dinosaur will tell them things about other dinosaurs. They need to put the dinosaur into a room and have two scientists come into the room. Then one scientist needs to roll up his sleeves and ask the dinosaur to tell him about other dinosaurs. Then the other scientist can act all nervous and he’ll say to the dinosaur: “Oh man! Please tell him the truth! He’s so crazy!”

Romantic Sex Story

Wed, 11 Nov 2009 12:32:00 -0800

And it was right there, in the middle of sex, that she decided to tell me, “You just don’t seem into it or something.”

Though our sex had never been the greatest, I took offense to her criticism, but silently, since I knew she would never be able to hear me over the barking of the cadaver dog.

An Important Story

Fri, 06 Nov 2009 16:32:00 -0800

When I discovered that my graduation gift was a bible, I was furious.

“I asked for a gun, not a fucking Bible!” I screamed at my dad.

“But…”

“But nothing! Get out of here! I never want to see you again.”

My dad and I never spoke again after that. As for the bible, I just assumed it was long gone until I saw it again, years later, at my father’s funeral. It was tucked away on the shelf under my parent’s television and when I picked it up to thumb through it, a check fell out and floated to the floor. The amount? More than enough for the gun I had wanted.

Suddenly, I felt like a fool. “How many other stupid books had I forgotten to check for money?”

"My name is Gene Hackman. And I’m here to yell at you."

Tue, 03 Nov 2009 00:56:34 -0800

“My name is Gene Hackman. And I’m here to yell at you.”

- Gene Hackman

A Possible Fable

Mon, 02 Nov 2009 02:14:23 -0800

A good fable would be about a spider who goes into this guy’s apartment and the guy gets really angry and decides to spray the spider to death with bug spray, but he accidentally uses hair spray and so the spider ends up looking really sharp and then gets a job someplace that the guy was trying all week to get a job at.

An Excerpt from my Romance Novel

Mon, 02 Nov 2009 00:14:34 -0800

With my nude, floral-painted body pressed firmly against the wall, I could only stand still and hope that it would blend seamlessly with the floral wallpaper, hiding me completely.

“She can’t divorce me if she can’t see me,” I thought.

Halloween Fun!

Fri, 30 Oct 2009 11:45:10 -0700

“Hey, you’re the only one who didn’t wear a costume,” I said to James, pointing to further single him out.

“I didn’t wear a costume either,” said the guy with the weird shirt and gigantic head.

“Oh. I meant besides you.”